2013 VMA’s: My Futile Predictions

At last, MTV’s 2013 Video Music Awards are upon us!

The VMA’s officially became one of my favorite awards show after two infamous incidents of stage crashing at their 2009 awards show. If you do not already know what I am talking about then I welcome you to the land above the rock you have lived under for the past four years.

Kanye West and Lil Mama, we have forgiven, but we will never forget your awe-inspiring boldness on that evening. Thank you both for two of the greatest moments in VMA history.

However, let’s not downplay the 2011 awards show where Lord Beyonce famously rubbed her pregnant belly on live television indicating that she was indeed ready to bless us with a first born child. I am still reeling in my jaw from that moment.

Celebrities and the artists always seem to be full of surprises at this show, however, the actual recipients of the awards are about as predictable as rain after thunder. There is only one golden rule to follow in order to make accurate predictions about the award winners and that is Taylor Swift always wins. Why? That is not a rhetorical question. Why do people keep voting for her videos? How many times do we have to see her awkwardly shimmy while belting broken-hearted ballads. Regardless, she will win and Kanye fans worldwide will undoubtedly spread some T-Swift hatred.

My predictions are based off of the golden rule, YouTube views, and the amount of times I heard that song on the radio within the past 20 minutes.  If they’re completely wrong, I blame Obama (that’s always fair, right?). Enjoy.

Best Choreography:

Chris  Brown, Fine China
Ciara, Body Party
 Jennifer Lopez feat. Pitbull, Live It Up
will.i.am feat. Justin Bieber, #thatPOWER
Bruno Mars, Treasure

Who will win: will.i.am. and Justin Bieber for #thatPower. It has the most YouTube views and teenage girls are the only people who have nothing to do during the summer except vote and vote for this video. This will win solely because of the power behind Justin’s name. The song sounds like nails on a chalkboard, but the video is creative. Best choreography though? Have you seen will.i.am dance? Exactly.

Who should win: Even though Fine China is only #3 for top number of YouTube views in this category the choreography in this video is flawless. Like, Michelangelo’s Statue of David abs flawless. Aside from the fact that Chris took the literal interpretation for “fine china” by using a leading Chinese lady (really?), I could watch this video and that boy dance all day.

Best Hip Hop Video:

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. Ray Dalton, Can’t Hold Us
Drake, Started From The Bottom
Kendrick Lamar, Swimming Pools
A$AP Rocky feat. Drake, 2 Chainz and Kendrick Lamar, F–kin’ Problems
J. Cole feat. Miguel, Power Trip

Who will winMacklemore & Ryan Lewis for Can’t Hold Us. The year of 2013 belongs to Macklemore & Ryan Lewis. Everything they’ve touched this year has turned to gold, and with almost 100 million YouTube views it is clear that Can’t Hold Us is following the trend. I can’t catch the plot behind this summer youth anthem’s video, but people love Macklemore. He will win.

Who should win: Drake for Started From The Bottom. Simply because this is possibly the catchiest song ever created. Aside from that, there are plenty of reasons to love  this video — the feeling of nostalgia from old school Degrassi days it evokes from watching Drake, ahem, Aubrey Graham act, Drake and his friends being richer than you, and Drake’s infamous corny dance moves.

Best Female Video (Just to clarify, they mean “Best video by a female artist” — the video itself has no sex chromosomes):

Rihanna feat. Mikky Ekko, Stay
Taylor Swift, I Knew You Were Trouble
Miley Cyrus, We Can’t Stop
Pink feat. Nate Ruess, Just Give Me A Reason
Demi Lovato, Heart Attack

Who will win: Taylor Swift for I Knew You Were Trouble. It’s Taylor Swift. She always win. There’s nothing special about this video, but I’m not even mad. I have no problem admitting that I love this song. The video though? Nope.

Who should win: Miley Cyrus for We Can’t Stop. This video officially sheds Miley’s Hannah Montana past and she emerges as a skinnier, paler, and less drugged out, Rihanna wannabe and I can’t get enough. It’s hard to say which scene makes the video for sure. The twerkers? The surplus of EOS lip balm? Or just Miley’s general lack of F’s to give? Whatever it is, this video is dope.

Best Pop Video:

Bruno Mars, Locked Out of Heaven
Justin Timberlake, Mirrors
Fun., Carry On
Miley Cyrus, We Can’t Stop
Selena Gomez, Come and Get It

Who will win: Miley Cyrus for We Can’t Stop. She was snubbed for “Best Female Video” so this title goes to you, Miley.

Who should win: Justin Timberlake for Mirrors. Brilliant song and heart-wrenching video. If you didn’t feel like you wanted to tell the significant other you don’t even have how much you love them, I have no words for you. Everything about Mirrors is excellent. Thank the good Lord that Justin reclaimed his singing career. We were waiting, Justin, and you have not disappointed.

Best Male Video (Again, “Best Video by a Male Artist” makes more sense, MTV):

Justin Timberlake, Mirrors
Robin Thicke feat. T.I. and Pharrell, Blurred Lines
Bruno Mars, Locked Out of Heaven
Ed Sheeran, Lego House
Kendrick Lamar, Swimming Pools

Who will win: Bruno Mars for Locked Out of Heaven. Look at the other options. Blurred Lines is a feminist’s nightmare, Mirrors is too heavy for MTV’s audience and no one who watches MTV also listens to Kendrick Lamar or Ed Sheeran. Bruno Mars wins here because of a popularity contest.

Who should win: Ed Sheeran for Lego House. 3 cheers for Ed Sheeran’s sense of humor. The video is refreshing because in typical Ed Sheeran style it isn’t all about the artist. Ed clearly understands two key things, 1) how popular Rupert Grint is and 2) how much he looks like Rupert Grint. The resemblance is uncanny and this video deserves recognition.

Best Collaboration:

Justin Timberlake, feat. Jay-Z, Suit & Tie
Pitbull feat. Christina Aguilera, Feel This Moment
Calvin Harris feat. Ellie Goulding, I Need Your Love
Robin Thicke feat. T.I. and Pharrell, Blurred Lines
Pink feat. Nate Ruess, Just Give Me A Reason

Who will win: Pink feat. Nate Ruess for Just Give Me A Reason. An insanely popular song and video and rightly so because the duos talent just pours into this song. With YouTube views nearing 115 million (and not because it’s controversial, Robin Thicke) you’ve by now watched Pink float around on a modern day water bed, make out with a muscular, tattooed fellow and wished you could do the same.

Who should win: Robin Thicke feat T.I. and Pharrell for Blurred Lines. Okay, don’t act crazy. Yes, the Susan B. Anthony inside me cringes watching these naked girls dance around 3 men like worthless objects, but the 20 year old inside me begs to do a little jig when this song plays. This is my JAM. Putting the naked women aside, the video is so simple and works well with the nature of the song. Plus, bonus points to whoever convinced T.I. to dance like he was in church.

Best Video With A Social Message:

Kelly Clarkson, People Like Us
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, Same Love
Snoop Lion, No Guns Allowed
Miguel, Candles in the Sun
Beyoncé, I Was Here

Who will win: Macklemore & Ryan Lewis for Same Love. DOMA is dead, Prop 8 is dead and we have Macklemore to thank for these landmark decisions. Okay, not actually, but the popularity of this song, this message, and this video speaks to changing American values. Equality for marriage is happening and this is the much needed theme song for the movement. Not only does the song carefully use a well-known bible verse about love, the video features a gay man of color happily married which America desperately needs to see. Thank you Macklemore & Ryan Lewis — this is one of the greatest videos of all time.

Who should win: See above. Does anyone remember this category from past years? MTV might have made it up just to nominate Macklemore & Ryan Lewis for it. They better win.

Artist to Watch:

Who will win: Uhhh MTV, you forgot about Trinidad James and Future. Do you really think Austin Mahone has more fans than the maker of All Gold Everything? If I am forced to choose a winner out of this category, it’s going to be The Weeknd. Remember when Tyler the Creator won? This category is a rarity because it allows people who don’t listen to “mainstream” music a chance to see their favorite artists represented. The Weeknd is the rising king of no-mainstream-representation, but with a voice that smooth, everyone will know his name soon.
Who should win: Iggy Azalea for Work. Iggy Azalea is a textbook example of poor management. By no means is this a great song or video, but I want to see her talent recognized. Iggy’s flow is insane and if her management would give her hits and promote her music like they should, everyone would apologize for doubting on her. Now get this work, iggy. I’m rooting  for you.

Video of the Year:

Justin Timberlake, Mirrors
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. Wanz, Thrift Shop
Bruno Mars, Locked Out of Heaven
Robin Thicke feat. T.I. and Pharrell, Blurred Lines
Taylor Swift, I Knew You Were Trouble

Who will win: Taylor Swift for I Knew You Were Trouble. I might be mad at this. Video of the year? Not a chance. This is Taylor Swift’s world though. We just live in it.

Who should win: Macklemore & Ryan Lewis for Thrift Shop. This song has one of the freshest beats produced in the past year, a heavily quoted opening line, and makes me want to party with white people. That is to say, this song has everything and the video follows suit. I’m sure what thrift shop Macklemore is talking about since most thrift shops in NYC cost more than your neighborhood Old Navy, but this video reminds me on a Saturday Night Live skit. It is fun and completely deserving of your attention and this Video Music Award.

I did not include every category because you are sick of reading this by now and my name isn’t Raven Baxter — I can’t see the future for every category.

Hopefully my futile predictions will hold you over until the real winners are announced on August 25, 2013.

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